


last place

by w6rship



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (platonic for the enemies to friends tag. platonic.), Alexithymia, Angst, Break Up, Dialogue Heavy, Dissociation, Emotional Baggage, Enemies to Friends, Forgiveness, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), Not really but it’s implied, Redemption, Self projection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w6rship/pseuds/w6rship
Summary: ”Of course you don’t. You never know, Illumi. Can’t even make a fucking decision by yourself.”
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 26
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

The wind was hot and carried the tiny grains of sand towards his eyes. He blink harshly a few times, then fell onto his back, the sand covering his arms and legs and it was in his hair. It was everywhere. Hisoka was laying next to him, unmoving and silent, if Illumi wasn’t paying attention he might’ve even thought the man was asleep. 

“Hisoka?” He asked, voice shattering the lull of the waves and chatter of the birds. No vocal reply was made, but Hisoka just barely turned his head to stare. 

“Hisoka, what are we doing here?” 

“Do we need to be doing something? Sometimes it’s ok to relax.” 

“That sounded very unlike you.” 

“I disagree, it sound very much like me if you haven’t noticed.” 

Illumi sat up now. He looked down at Hisoka’s body, and a small, icky, feeling of unease settled in his spine. He squinted. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Hisoka slowly sat up, looking at the sky. An eagle, or a hawk, was circling the sun. 

“It’s always work, with you, Illumi. Always. It’s...tiring, i suppose.” 

“What?” 

“I’m always second to your work. No, not even second, your family even comes before me, always. Illumi wake the hell up, i know you see it. They don’t care about you, Illu. They don’t care. You know it.”

”That’s-“ 

“Illumi don’t lie to yourself. Killua is terrified of you, you’re mother and father just use and manipulate you, Milluki and Kalluto don’t talk to you, and Alluka? You treat her like shit, i’m surprised she doesn’t hate you.” 

“Hisoka-“

”And yet somehow, no matter how much love and appreciation i show you, i’m always last?” 

“Hisoka l-“

”Do you know what i feel right now?” 

“I don’t know...” 

Hisoka turned his head, giving Illumi an unimpressed look.

”Of course you don’t. You never know, Illumi. Can’t even make a fucking decision by yourself.”

“That’s not-“

”You don’t know shit. Or you don’t care. Do you even know what you feel right now? I don’t fucking think so. Sort your shit out Illumi. I’m tired of always being last. I’m tired of being below the people who don’t give a flying fuck about you. Sort your fucking shit out, figure out how you fucking feel, then talk to me.”

”Hisoka i know what it feels like to be last.” 

“Oh? Why? Because Killua’s better then you? Because you can’t inherit the family business like their good little boy? Was the riches and luxury not good enough to satisfy you? I don’t think you do know what it feels like.” 

“What does my money have to do with that? Your being fucking rude right now.” 

“Because your acting like you fucking know what i’m going through, you don’t. I don’t even know if you can feel anything, you fuckhead. And no, Illumi, i’m not being rude. I’m just tired of it, ok? Fucking hell. I love you, they don’t. Fucking understand that.” 

“Hisoka your jumping to conclusions.” 

“Am i? Am i, Illumi?” 

“ _Yes_ , damn it!” 

Hisoka laughed, standing up and brushing the sand from his clothes. “Of course you’d think i am. I’ll tell you again, sort your shit out then talk to me.” 

He walked away. 

Illumi frowned, eyebrows scrunching together. He didn’t understand. People turning their backs, walking away, was not a new trend. The random screaming? Not new either. But _Hisoka_ yelling at him?

That was new. He did not like it. 

His frown deepened, and the unease settled in every single one of his pores. ‘ _Was he right?’,_ the assassin pondered, flopping back onto the sand. 

‘ _Was he right about me? My family?_ ’ 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _cause we're so fuckin' mean, we're so elitist, we're as fucked as any church and this bullshit west coast dogma has a higher fuckin' net worth i bit the apple 'cause I loved you, and why would you lie?  
>  And then I realized that you're just as naive as i am. _
> 
> _\- rat, penelope scott ___

  
  
Upon entering the Zoldyck threshold, the man slammed the door open and his footsteps rang out, loud and heavy, as he walked towards the kitchen. Milluki looked up as the door swept open, momentarily caught off guard. Very non-Zoldyck typical. He must’ve not expected someone to walk in. 

“Oh-“

“Millu’ what did the chef’s make for dinner?” 

“Um...Mother and Father went out for a date....or something. They told the butler’s not to make anything unless we tell them so. I just asked Gotoh to make me a omelette....” 

_‘An omelette? At this hour?’_

Illumi tilted his head. “Oh. ‘Kay. I think i’ll skip dinner today, then.” 

“Okay...uh, did you run off earlier to go eat?” 

“No. I was meeting a....an associate.” 

Hisoka’s words found their way into his head again, rebounding louder each time, _”And yet somehow, no matter how much love and appreciation i show you, i’m always last?”_

Milluki shrugged, waving a goodbye, and exiting the kitchen awkwardly. Illumi sighed, settling down on the kitchen floor, and laying his palms on the cold tile. It felt nice, compared to the heat of the beach. The beach....

And he began to think again, and decided to pull out his phone. 

**To Hisoka Morrow , 19:12**

**Me:** Hisoka, I feel you’d be pleased to know I am going to “sort my shit out”. Firstly, I will be discussing a few things with my mother before I can get to that. I hope you will be patient, it will be a minimum of a week or two before I feel we should meet up again. 

**Hisoka Morrow:** I told you don’t talk to me until you figure things out, as things are not figured, i’m going to mind my damn business. message me when you actually do something useful for once. 

More unease. Hisoka never got this mad. _Ever_. Quite frankly, Illumi was scared. Or something to that equivalent. Illumi was never openly scared for more then a few minutes, but that seemed to loose its streak as he sat on the kitchen floor, pondering Hisoka’s outburst with wide eyes and pinched brows, rocking back and forth slightly, the light of his phone shining directly into his face. 

As per entering the kitchen, Gotoh froze, stunned. An odd sight, it was. 

“Master Illumi, are you alright?” 

The oldest Zoldyck child looked up at the butler, “I’m ok, Gotoh. I believe Milluki is in his room.” 

“Thank you, Master Illumi. If you don’t need anything, I’ll be delivering his food.” 

“Don’t dwindle, he’s waiting.” 

And as the butler exited, Illumi glanced down at his phone and a snarl placed itself on his lips. He now felt angry, because, how dare Hisoka talk to a Zoldyck like some dog who’s been misbehaving.

Then he remembered, again, the jester’s words. 

The short lived anger washed away, and now he was confused. He had promised Hisoka he’d figure...things, (whatever _things_ are), out, but he didn’t even know where to begin. He also told the man that he’d chat with his mother about something that would aid the sorting process, and it would be about a week then he’d have everything figured out. And he groaned, realizing that he put himself on a time limit. Everything was going horribly wrong, but he was a Zoldyck, he’d find a way around it, there has to be one. 

* * *

Kikyou’s office could barely even be called an office. In one half of the room was a dark red couch made out of satiny fabric, as were the armchairs on each side. The wood was mahogany. A table sat in the middle of the room, a few feet in front of the couch, a few feet away from a wooden desk, and under it was a navy blue carpet. Pink flowers sat on the windowsill. It smelt like overly expensive perfume, floral and potent. When he entered and smelt it his nose scrunched up. 

Kikyou was sitting on the couch, legs crossed and a tea cup in her hand. 

“Illumi! Oh i’m so glad you wanted to have a talk with me! It’s been so long since we’ve chatted one-on-one! So, what is it? Is something the matter?” Her voice was watery, and her leg bounced slightly. He never understood why she always had such large reactions to the smallest things. He wouldn’t ask her about it, maybe one of the butlers, but never her. 

“Mother, what would you do if you apparently messed up but cannot understand where you are at fault?” 

“I wouldn’t mess up, I am a Zoldyck. My work is always efficient, such a silly question!” 

“That’s not...that’s not what I meant. I meant, as in, emotionally?” 

She faltered, pursing her lips. She was thinking. 

“Oh, my! Illu! What did you do?” 

He froze. How did she know he did something? He wasn’t exactly being subtle but still?

”I am currently in a dispute with an associate. I would prefer not to go into details...” 

“Oh! Well, you made them feel something bad, am I correct?!” 

“Apparently so. I do not understand what i’ve done, but I do want to make amends. What should I do?” 

“Well, honestly, I am not quite sure. Did they tell you what you’ve done?” 

“Yes.” 

“How it made them feel?”

”...Yes.” 

“Then asses the situation and act accordingly. I am not in charge of your failures, but I do expect you to redeem yourself immediately. You are a Zoldyck, Illu. You have a reputation, the family has a reputation. Fix it.” 

“I will, Mother. I believe it will take me a week.” 

“Try and cut down the time, priorities, Illu! Now get going, I am a busy women.” 

As he was escorted out of her office, he frowned. And as the door shut, he sighed. She was no help at all. Really no help. He has wasted very valuable that could’ve been used to prove himself to that damn _clown_.

Now in his room, he entered the bathroom attached and flicked on the lights. They were bright. To bright. He turned them off again, and turned the knob on the shower all the way to the hot side. He didn’t really care about the temperature, but sometimes he did this to feel something. 

And still in the dark, with only the sun peeking through the window illuminating the room, he undressed. 

  
The water was barely hot against his skin, and his hair softened at the mere touch of the stream. He didn’t really like wet hair, it would stick to his face and neck and make his skin red, every damn time. He didn’t tie it up tho, he liked his hair. If it meant having itchy skin for an hour or so, he’d deal with it. 

He didn’t do anything in the shower, he usually stood under the running water for oddly long amounts of time, finding himself lost in his own head. He didn’t think about anything, his mind felt like a black, gaping, hole, when that happened. He had no thoughts. He would focus on an object, staring at it mindlessly for anywhere between five or forty minutes and the water would run down his skin, and from standing so still and tense for so long and the hot water beating down, his feet would turn red. That’s when he knew he was wasting to much time and would actually start to take care of himself. 

But this time, in the dark, it was strange. There was nothing to focus on. It just made him sleepy. He didn’t half mind the thought, it sounded almost thrilling. Loosing all sense of surroundings, and suddenly knocking out from exhaustion, under the water? Would he choke on it? He suddenly backed away from the shower head, plastering himself against the cold wall, and staring at it scrutinizingly. He didn’t want to choke on it. He’d force himself to stay focused. But in the dark he didn’t need any solid objet to focus on, everything looked grainy and weird figures would pop out of the shadows if he stared to long. That was distracting enough. He felt vulnerable, as if multiple eyes were on him as he stood there. It’s not like this was new, when he and Hisoka was pursue eachother he’d ask to have the lights off, it heightened senses and made everything so much better. So this was not new. 

He cringed. Dare he say it, he missed Hisoka. He wanted to text him, or call him, or damn it all— see him. He felt like an addict experiencing withdrawal for the first time. Oh that was an idea. He wondered if he should try drugs, for fun this time, not for his training. He heard of the things drugs did to people, but he also heard of the wonderful light, fuzzy, pleasurable feeling they caused. Maybe he would try them, for the hell of it.

His chest ached, and he decided to stop overthinking and wash his hair. He felt like he was moving in slow motion, like he was getting smaller and his surrounding were getting taller. It was weird. But it was because of the darkness. He knew this, it happened a few rare times when he couldn’t see anything. Blinking harshly and snapping out of the feeling, he opened a shampoo bottle and squeezed a bit into his open palm. 

He felt as though he’d never redeem himself, never be forgiven. And the unease and aching was back again. He wouldn’t cry over that bastard though, even in these trying moments, he still had pride. He refused to cry because of it. He was a Zoldyck, not some school girl.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _oh, you're so traumatized it makes me want to cry. you dumb bitch i loved you, i loved you, i loved you, it's true. i wanted to be you and do what you do. i lived here, i loved here, i bought it, it's true. i’m so embarrassed, i feel abused._
> 
> _\- rat, penelope scott ___

Hisoka downed the drink, shoving the empty bottled towards Wing. The teacher looked at it, then back at Hisoka, with a deadpan expression. 

“Hisoka throw your trash out, you can’t storm up here and drink away half of my inventory.”

“In- _Inventory_? God, what are you? Preparing for war or some shit?” 

“I might as well be considering that you aren’t in a good mood.” 

Zushi stared at the duo in minor confusion and fear because, well, the infamous Hisoka Morrow was in his sensei’s classroom and currently downing whiskey like there was no end in sight. Maybe before Hisoka got to drunk, he could slip off and announce he was going to get some dinner... 

The jester giggled, resting his head on his hands with slouched shoulders. His eyes felt tired, drooping and dry and burning. He’d been stopping at multiple bars since the 2 days have past since his argument with Illumi. 

Illumi. 

Even thinking the name made some creature inside of him mule in content, but the other creature cried out in anger. They clashed together and fought, turning his mind into a battleground. Maybe Wing did have some logic. Preparing for a war and preventing could be the same thing, and so to prevent the inner bloodshed, he’d drink as much as he possibly could at the expense of his liver and to dull the conflict unraveling in his chest. 

He didn’t particularly regret snapping on Illumi like that, it got the point across, but he would’ve preferred a more tame conversation...maybe one that would’ve helped the assassin understand better. But alas, it didn’t work out that way. Hisoka reached for another bottle, hand curling around it tightly, nearly cracking the glass. Yet he smiled, he must’ve looked absolutely manic right now, with ruined and runny makeup, a loopy grin, and surrounding by mountains of cracked bottles. 

And he thought, and he drank, and he felt weightless. 

He wanted more. He still felt a little bit and that wouldn’t do. Oh no, oh no, no, no, that wouldn’t do at all. He downed it in seconds, already grabbing for another one, when a knock sounded on the door. Wing stopped his hand from taking another sip, pushing the bottle to the side, and standing up. 

When the door opened, it revealed two familiar figures. 

“Hisoka?” Killua gaped, eyes widening and arms protectively shielding Alluka. The man glanced idly at them, narrowing his eyes, then turning around and snatching the alcohol once again. 

Killua gave Wing a confused look. “What’s with the guy? Why is he here? Why is he ignoring us?” 

“Don’t be an attention seeking bastard, little Zoldyck~“ 

Killua choked on air, marching forward. 

“What the hell?!” He yelped. Wing sighed, and put a hand on Alluka’s shoulder, guiding her inside. Zushi waved at her, and politely, Alluka waved back. They had not been introduced yet. 

“You’re brother and Hisoka are in an argument right now.” 

“Oh for fu- well tell those angsty shits to get over it and have hate sex or something, he’s going to bother us if he’s here, ugh!” Killua whined. Wing coughed, spluttering loudly, because what the _fuck_.

Zushi’s head snapped up from his seat and grew bright red in second hand embarrassment. 

“Killua, how are you?” Wing asked weakly, quickly recovering. Hisoka sneered at the kids, then swiftly stood up, throwing the bottle behind him, and exiting. He waved to Wing over his shoulder before leaving. 

Now outside, the cold air of the city was like a punch to the face. It was nice. Cars drove by in waves, and peopled wandered around the streets. He saw a drunk woman trip on the sidewalk, and he laughed. How stupid, she is. He was absolutely wasted and you didn’t see him stumbling like an baboon. 

He was tired and bored and restless. Fidgeting endlessly, wringing his fingers, swiping a hand through his hair, waving his palms at the ground. He couldn’t stay still and the alcohol, he realized, did not help. He missed Illumi, and again, the alcohol did not help. He was nowhere near a lightweight, but he suddenly felt a flood of nausea settle in his body. Everything was fuzzy. 

He sat down in the grass next to a cigarette shop, curling up and knocking out being a bush. 

As he sat there falling asleep, he thought, ‘ _Is this what my life has come down to?’_

_***_

sorry for short chapter, theres quite a bit going on in my lifee 😀😀


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a little boy and he drank all day. friends called him stupid and his brothers called him gay. emptied all the bottles ‘til the pain went away._
> 
> _\- everybody gets high, MISSIO_

On the third day of no contact since the fight, Illumi had figured out an idea to prove to hisoka that he was sorting things out. Or attempting to. 

It was not to hard to achieve his goal, he just needed to bribe Milluki for a few things, and after a small amount of time it was done.

”Are you sure this is the number?” 

“Yes.” 

“Milluki, are you _sure_?”

”I _am_. Now get out.” 

And he did. After exiting the room, Illumi quickly left the house, and ran into the yard. He had his phone with him and was already punching in the numbers. He hoped she’d answer.   
  


_Ring_

_Ring_

_Ring..._

” _Ah, hello?”_

“Hello.” 

_“Who is this?”_

”I am Illumi Zoldyck-“ 

_“Zoldyck? Are you a relative of Killua?”_

”I am. However, i have no business with Killua as of now. I was actually hoping that i might be able to speak to your nephew, is he there?” 

_“Oh, i remember you now. The boys have mentioned you before. Before i even tell you anything, what do you want with gon?”_

_“_ As strange as it might seem, you might not even believe me, I would like to make amends.” 

_“Amends?”_

“I’ve tried to hurt him in the past because that is what i believed was best for my brother. But, after some pondering, i have come to the conclusion that Killua does not appreciate it. So, I would like to make amends.” 

_“...”_

”Also, I am currently in a dispute with a partner and i would like to prove to them i am trying. They are quite fond of Gon. I believe making things right with one whom i hated would be the most beneficial for me, Gon, my brother, and said associate.”

_”I...alright. I’d like to help you, however, Gon is not in Whale Island at the moment. The last i’ve heard from him was a few weeks ago, and i believe he’s at a place....hm, what was it...Heavens-“_

”Heavens Arena?” 

_“Yes! I’d think he’d still be there. Maybe look for him there. I apologize that i can’t help much.”_

“It’s alright, thank you.”

And he hung up. Heavens Arena? Hisoka hung out there....there was a high chance he’d be there when Gon is. More then a high chance. And Hisoka could sense Illumi’s nen from miles away, so that meant he couldn’t use nen or attend any matches. Or maybe he could and scare Hisoka off while he does what he has to do...

He gripped a handful of hair with both hands, closing his eyes in frustration. He was never supposed to care this much about Hisoka of all people. Hell, he was originally contracted to inevitably kill him, then one day he decided he did not want to be the one responsible for the death of Hisoka Morrow. It was strange, he wasn’t used to being so...lenient, emotional. He stopped relentlessly looking for Killua after his confession, which had displeased his parents immensely, but he felt happy? So strange. And Hisoka was the cause. And now, only a few years later, he was inwardly deteriorating trying to desperately get back into Hisoka’s good graces. 

_‘Do I have attachment issues?’_

He slammed his head down on the table, and the smack reverberated around the room. Zeno, who was walking down the hall, shot his oldest grandson a strange

* * *

He stood before Heavens Arena, all 251 floors winking down at him. Hisoka was a floor master, so the Zoldyck knew which floor to avoid.

As he made his way inside, the woman at the front desk looked up. “Mr. Zoldyck, are you here to see-“

”I am not. Don’t tell him I am here.” 

“Oh-“ 

“Is a person named Gon Freecs here?” 

“He is...?” 

“What floor is he on?” 

“Uh-“ 

“You know what- just- give me those, thanks.” 

He stole the registration papers from her, flipping through until he got to ‘F’. Freecs, Gon. 

_Ah, there he is._ Illumi threw the paper back at the woman, marching off. Unbeknownst to him, Alluka Zoldyck stood, watching and waiting, in the shadows. Having heard the exchange she now also knew that Gon was there. She also knew Illumi did not like Gon and was worried, so at that moment in time, she decided to risk it and follow the man. 

Killua would be livid if he found out. She wasn’t supposed to be that far away to begin with... 

* * *

In the elevator Illumi felt like he was being watched. It was practically impossible tho. It was a small space, not much room to hide. There was no shadows to take cover in. And he would know if nen was being used. A camera was in the corner, but even then, that wasn’t it. He felt a presence that simply couldn’t exist. 

Now out of the elevator and in the hallway, he knocked on the door two times before it was wrenched open by a small girl. She arched her eyebrow at him and inclined her head. 

“Is Gon Freecs here?” 

“Why?” 

At hearing his name, Gon popped his head around the corner to look at the door. Upon seeing Illumi his eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. 

He went up to them and crossed his arms, saying, “Killua isn’t here.” 

“I’m not here for Killua.” 

“Hisoka’s not here-“

”I’m not here for him either. Actually, i’m here to talk to you, alone.” 

Gon looked at the girl, who shrugged.   
  


And then Illumi felt it again. The presence. He looked around the hallway for a split second and didn’t see anything, so he turned back to Gon. 

“Alright, go ahead. Talk in the hallway.” The girl commanded. “Ok Bisky-chan!” 

* * *

And so in the hallway they sat. 

“What do you want?” 

“Well...uh...” And now Illumi realized this was a terrible idea. He’s never had to genuinely apologize to anybody except his parents. When he did apologize to his parents it was more or less him begging that they don’t hurt him. He didn’t actually _know_ how to apologize. 

Gon gave him an expectant look.

”Well, I’d like to start off with sorry.” 

“Huh?!” 

“Killua should be allowed to have friends. It was wrong of me to try and bring harm to you just for selfish reasons. You and Killua deserve to have eachother, so I apologize.” 

“Oh- this is kinda weird...heh...uh, well, I mean, I forgive you for that I guess? Killua might not. But you’ve still done...other bad things.” 

“I’m aware. I apologize for that to, and I will when i see Killua again. I believe he’s currently doing everything he can to avoid me and I get it....i guess? I don’t know.”

”Yeah well you weren’t the best brother.” 

“I know. I _know_. That’s just how things _went_ in our house. We, Killua and I, are Zoldycks, our parents do not believe that assassins need love or reassurance. We were made to kill and programmed as such. They didn’t have time to teach us to love.” 

“Your talking like your a machine, uh, your a strange dude...” 

Gon awkwardly laughed. Illumi shrugged, looking away. 

“Well maybe i am. But no matter. Just know that i’m sorry.” 

“I’m really not the one you should be apologizing to. You abused Killua, not me.” 

_Blunt kid, I guess..._

”Gon, do you think I don’t know that? I haven’t seen or heard from Killua in months. There’s no way I can talk to him.” 

And like the God almighty himself, perhaps just out of irony and spite, a disheveled Killua Zoldyck came sprinting down the hallway with the most terrified and simultaneously threatening expression plastered on his face, and Alluka trailed after him. 

“What the _fuck_.”


	5. Chapter 5

“What the _fuck_.”

Gon’s mouth dropped open and he jumped up from floor, tackling his friend.

“KILLUA!!” He cried, still squashing Killua under him. Killua spluttered, face flaming up red. Alluka stood to the side, smiling, and upon hearing the ruckus the girl— no, the woman, Bisky, ventured into the hallway. 

Killua shoved Gon off him and held onto his shoulders. “Gon, are you ok?” 

“I am!” 

“Why is... _he_ here?” 

Illumi looked up at Killua in embarrassment. Killua looked ready to fight, surrounding himself in a little aura. 

“Killua-“ 

“What are you doing here? Alluka told me she saw you in the lobby and followed you up here. When she saw you talking to Gon she came to get me. What are you doing?” 

At being called out, Alluka squinted, looking to the side as if she wasn’t paying attention. 

“Killua i-i just wanted to talk to-“

”Likely story-“ 

Gon frantically waved his hands in front of Killua’s face, shaking his head and saying, “It’s true. He just wanted to talk. He also wants to talk to you... _right_ Illumi?” 

“I do. If you’d just l-listen-“ 

Killua punched him square in the jaw with an aura-focused fist. 

* * *

Hisoka was truly minding his business. It was quite embarrassing falling asleep behind a random store drunk out of his mind and have an old shopkeep wake him with a pitiful look.

Now he was lounging in his room at Heaven’s arena, eyes tracing over the gold swirls of the walls for maybe the hundredth time, until he felt a spike in aura from one of the lower levels. He smirked at the feeling, standing up with a _pop_ , before hastily making his way to the commotion. 

His life had been a little dull so he wanted to get in on the action, if there was any. He didn’t have any scheduled fight any time soon, either. 

He stalked around the corner just in time to see a wave of chaos erupt from a group of very familiar individuals.

”Killua!” Gon wailed, bouncing on his toes. Alluka shot backwards, eyes widening, and using her forearms to shield herself. Bisky barely flinched and raised and eyebrow with crossed arms. 

And Illumi? 

Illumi flew across the hall, smacking into a wall and denting the area, then inevitably falling to the floor in a crouching position. His curled up form shook. 

“You have a temper on you, K-kil...” 

“Ever since i took that needle out i’ve really been...embracing myself.” Killua confessed, panting and hunched over. 

“I-I see...” 

It was quite the awkward exchange, and even more so once everything calmed down and every single pair of eyes in that, suddenly small-feeling, hallway, fell onto Hisoka. 

The jester coughed, a hand on his hip. 

“Um...” He murmured. 

And that was the breaking point. Illumi froze up, then closed in on himself. He scooted backwards so his back was to the wall, shoving his head between his knees with his hair falling into his face, and putting his hands over his ears and he rocked back and forth gently. And a sob escaped from him. Illumi hadn’t cried in years, and never in front of anybody. 

His cries sounded raw, desperate, and pained. A wretched sound. And a silence fell over everybody as they watched the stoic assassins facade crumble into dust, and watched as he sat there, vulnerable. They made no move to help, none at all.

Everything was so loud tho, and so bright, and he was extremely hot. He fingers dug into his scalp, and his toes curled up inside his shoes. It was all so much at once and he didn’t know what was happening. Too much. 

He wanted to apologize, he wanted to so bad, but no eligible words would make there way out. He couldn’t speak. Too much. He couldn’t breathe, he was choking on his sobs. And they watched him, and to all of them, it was— in some twisted way— satisfying. This man who’s caused most of them pain was in distress and right at their knees, and it brought satisfaction to their hearts. 

And he knew this, and his nails were digging so far into his scalp that it started to bleed. He didn’t know how long his was curled up by that wall, but everything was so much and he was overwhelmed. 

Someone tapped his shoulder. 

“Aniki?” 

He looked up at Alluka, who was standing right in front of him. He choked out a cry again, cradling her face with shaky fingers. 

“A-alluka I-“ 

She smiled slightly, patting his hand. And then, everyone unfroze and started to surround the assassin. 

“Alluka i’m- allu- i’m sorry- i’m so sorry your my _sister_ , i’m sorry-“ He blabbered out, not letting go of her face. And once more, she patted his hand. Killua was now standing next to Alluka, a hand on her shoulder, and his eyes were watering. Bisky, Gon, and Hisoka banded into a small group off to the side, watching the siblings. 

“And i’m sorry- sorry-i’m sorry- i’m- im-i-i’m sorry Alluka, i’m sorry i’m so sorry...and k-killua... _killua_ i’m sorry oh i’m sorry i’m a terrible brother, killua, i’m - i’m so sorry, you-you hate m-me i’m sorry k-kil!” 

And no one said a word. They let him cry, and Alluka pet his hand, and Killua stood there in shock. 

And nobody else did anything. They watched on. 

Hisoka looked down at Gon. The boy was watching Killua, Illumi, and Alluka intensely with a little smile on his face. He looked older then he did at the hunter exam. Well, of course he did. But his eyes looked so old yet so bright. And Hisoka wondered just what happened to this kid. And Hisoka also wondered what happened to Killua, but the little Zoldyck had that look for as long as Hisoka had known of his existence— Killua was a little over five when Hisoka and Illumi met. 

And then he looked at _Illumi_. He nearly smiled. It made his heart clench in despair that _his_ Illu was so clearly upset, but it was also his Illu who had caused _him_ so much pain. He had mixed feelings, but the sadistic side was, naturally, winning over the others. 

And again he was reminded that the Zoldycks were always going to matter more to Illumi. And it hurt him. He missed Illumi so dearly but until the man learned who appreciated him, which was not the Zoldycks, he couldnt have him around. And Hisoka knew that it was ok for Illumi to make up with his siblings, but they would never truly appreciate him as Hisoka did. And Illumi knew that, and it was part of the reason he was on the floor making a fool of himself. But they all knew Illumi was a stubborn man.

Illumi still needed to get his act together, and Hisoka was loosing patience. 

So he stood and he watched, not planning to move from his spot. And he felt guilty about it, but he needed to prove this to Illumi. 

Hisoka knew Killua and Alluka wouldn’t stay around for long, and Illumi would be left behind like an afterthought. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i can’t feel my fingers, i cant feel my toes. there’s blood on my necklace, and blood on my clothes._
> 
> _\- voicemail, poppy ___
> 
> __
> 
> __self harm tw_ _

Illumi awoke in a Heaven’s Arena bed, shooting up in alarm and enflaming himself in aura. He momentarily forgot he was here. And after taking a moment to look at his surrounding, he realized that he was...somewhat akin to being safe. 

The blankets were heavy on top of him, which came as a slight shock, his blankets at the Zoldyck Mansion were thin and grainy. These were nice— warm. 

“Illumi, you awake?” Bisky asked, entering the room. 

“Yeah.” 

“That was...quite the event...” 

“I’m sorry.” 

She shrugged, then threw a water bottle at him, which he caught. “I’m going out. Everybody else left a few minutes ago to get something to eat. I don’t think you want anything, do you?” 

“I....don’t.” 

“You really should, it’s healthier for you, but whatever. Cya~!” 

And she was off.

He looked down and momentarily examined himself. A little blood was caked under his nails, he was covered in a layer of cold sweat, and his eyes burned a bit. He felt gross. And embarrassed. And that was it, nothing more. He felt like he simply existed, nothing more nothing less, just particles of air that was lacking personality. And, apparently, reason. 

He really couldn’t believe he broke down like that in front of everyone- all people he’d never want to see him like that. He didn’t know what came over him, but seeing Killua and Hisoka pushed him over the edge and all the sudden it was like hell blew up and started to rain down and suffocate him. 

They overwhelmed him, and maxed out his emotional capacity. It was bound to happen, but now he was shutting down. A coping mechanism, one might call it. He would shut down every remaining feeling thing in his body until he could grasp the situation once again. 

But then again, that’s another part of the reason Hisoka got mad. 

Illumi frowned. 

* * *

“You should talk to him.” Killua suggested, then turned around towards the microwave. Hisoka squinted and shrugged. 

“He needs to learn. And i could say the same for you.” 

“No, he doesn’t want to talk to me, and he has learned. Why else would he do.... _that_. And i can tell you miss him.” 

“I do. He’s my _husband_ , of course I do. And he might’ve learned, but he doesn’t know he did.” 

Killua gave him a weird look, then moved away and went to look through the fridge. 

Gon entered Hisoka’s kitchen a few moments later, talking animatedly with Alluka. Once they got to the jester, they stopped. 

“I agree with onii-chan. You should talk to Illumi.” Alluka added, and Gon nodded wisely. Hisoka slammed the apple he had just picked up onto the table, and it smashed upon impact. 

“Fine, _fine_. I’ll talk. Damn...”

* * *

When hisoka climbed up to the room, he stopped by the door, examining the place. 

Illumi sat, unblinking and unmoving, on the bed. He looked _dead_. That was Hisoka’s immediate thought, and he stepped inside. A mistake.   
  


He felt it before he seen it coming. As soon as his toe even entered the vicinity, Illumi’s aura flared up and two needles came flying towards him, pinning him to the wall by his clothes. He knew what was to come next. 

The assassins claws were tearing at his very own skin, and Hisoka could only watch as Illumi tried to mutilate his thighs, arms, any bare skin immediately at his disposal. 

And after a split second of struggling, Hisoka broke free and fucking _tackled_ his husband. They rolled off the bed and suddenly Illumi was trying to push Hisoka away and free his arm’s from the jester’s death grip. They wrestled across the room, knocking things over, leaving a trail of blood in their wake. Scratching, clawing, pushing, hitting. 

They both were using nen now, Hisoka not yet using his Bungee Gum. This would be fun for him if the person at hand _wasn’t_ Illumi, and it was easy to get lost in that fact. Illumi landed a kick to Hisoka’s chest, trying to jump backwards and away, then Hisoka was finally being sensible, and restrained Illumi with his nen. 

The assassin clawed at the sides of his legs, fingers curling in anger. 

“Let me go- _Hisoka let me go_!”

“You have a _temper_ , Illu~“

”Let me go. let me go. _let me go_. let me fucking go Hisoka- let- Hisoka let me- let me go-“

“We can’t have you destroying your perfect features, what would Kikyou think about that? Calm fucking down, _hun_.”

“I’ll calm down when you let me go- just- i can’t breathe Hisoka let me the fuck go-“ 

“We can’t have that, now. If i trusted you, I would, as I do not, you’re staying where you are while i clean up poor apple-chan’s room~”  
  


And he did. Illumi quit trying to escape, and hung his head low as Hisoka picked up Gon’s room. 

  
  
He then disappeared to the bathroom after fixing up the major things, sliding his— surprisingly undamaged— phone out.

**To Killua Zoldyck** **, 10:18**

**Me:** How much sleeping gas would it take for your brother to get knocked out

**Killua** : wha-  
  


**Me** : istg he’s being fucking impulsive and weird, you either do something or I knock him out. i have feelings to and i will not be babysitting him until he’s sobered up from his little meltdown.

**Killua** : i said talk to him not - ?? whatever you did??

**Me** : as soon as i entered the room he started to harm himself, i had to tackle him down and restrain him with my nen. 

**Killua** : idc— don’t need details. wait until he calms down then talk, mope until then ig. idk. 

**Me** : thanks killua, big help 💧-_-⭐️

**Me** : even tho i did say i wasn’t gonna babysit him suree thanks.

**Killua** : yw don’t text me again. 

“Little _shit_...” 


End file.
